Where's my energy gone?
Warning: brain dump ahead. This post isn't about beauty, or travel; it's an effort to put my week into words, in the hopes that placing those words/feelings somewhere, means I'm over my funk.
How to put into words how I feel: bleurgh/meh/sigh. That should sum it up, right? It's just been a funny week, perhaps no surprise given how this month has gone. So far the past four weeks has consisted of:
The death of a family friend
The death of a friend of one of my best friends
The death of a relative of one of my best friends
The World Cup
Being on deadline
Chasing late invoices whilst having people (and HMRC) waiting to be paid
Losing out on a spot on a film course that I really wanted to do
The one-year anniversary of my grandmother's death
Now, these incidents are in no particular order, and there is no way I am suggesting that the bottom of the list holds anywhere near the same significance as the top four incidents do. But, altogether, I guess these moments add up to something called stress? The four situations that refer to my friends are situations that I can only make an effort to understand. Hearing broken voices explain what has happened alerts something in my chest - I want to be able to make things better for them, but I can't. I can only listen, offer what I think are supportive words, perhaps send a gift to let them know I am thinking about them. But those journeys of sadness are ones that they have to carry out in their own way, perhaps solo, perhaps with a partner, or closer friends. Still, I think it leaves behind a kind of shadow, a reminder that Bad Stuff Happens - although at the same time, of course there is the old, 'life is short' adage to fall back on. After three of these situations happened within one week, I end up telling myself to take that day off, watch that film, visit that friend, because, as the month has proved, life is short.
Meanwhile, when life isn't happening, there's plenty on the telly to wrap yourself up in/distract yourself with. Despite being born and raised in England, I've never really felt English, but still, I found myself wanting the England team to win the World Cup - if for no other reason than hoping I'd never hear the words 'back in 1966' again. Suffice to say, they didn't win, so I switched to watching Wimbledon - only for Serena Williams. And then, Serena didn't win.
While all of the above was going on I was on deadline for a client magazine - 48 pages collated and created by me and a designer. Although I've done it many times before, I always feel like the next issue should be better than the last, so there's always an element of stress attached, plus, a couple of client invoices hadn't been paid, so that was annoying. Not only did I have people to pay (as well as a fat VAT bill) I also wanted to use the money to pay for a film course I'd had my eye on. As I'm someone who prefers to pay the bills first, I put off booking the course until I knew exactly how much I needed to pay out. But due to clients paying late, by the time I did receive the funds in my account, all the course places had been booked.
Add to this the fact that I've basically been on my period for most of this month so far (never happened before so no clue if it's a worry-worthy thing?) and I've been feeling pretty low. Not low in the crying-into-my-pillow sense; more of a I-don't-want-to-do-anything-but-watch-Netflix all-day kind of thing. Yesterday I allowed myself to indulge in feeling this way; I didn't start my day with a trip to the gym (major mood-enhancer, whether I enjoy my time there or not. I usually go five or six times a week) and instead, showered and ate homemade brownies for breakfast. Then I watched five episodes of season 2 of The Affair and waited for my husband to come home so that I could lean on his shoulder while watching more crap.
Now that I'm almost done, I'm wondering if you're pissed at me for writing this blog, because it's not what I normally offer up, but it just feels necessary. Plus, I'm going to end it with some rays of sunshine that I'm grateful for.
*My husband just made me breakfast.
*I'm headed to Barcelona next week to meet one of my fave Instagrammers and style queens, @thevicstyles, to photograph her on her travels. We've never met in real life but when she posted something about travelling around Spain, I DM'd her saying if she fancied company, I'd be happy to meet her along the way. Victoria has one of those faces that I can't wait to photograph, so I'm meeting her in Barca for a few days. As well as being stylish, talented and real, she has a brilliant Instagram Like A Pro course you should check out. I reviewed it a while back here...
*I have a week of not having to do much ahead of me because a couple of client projects have been signed off.
*I went to the gym today and did more weight than the guy who'd previously used the leg extension machine.
Let me know what's bugging you this week, or how you remind yourself that nothing stays the same?